Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Summer Blues...

You know I started this blog to put my ideas down so that I could look back and say "ok, that was a cool place to visit" or "that was a fun project" but after realizing that if I continue to mask what is really going on inside I will never get to do all of the fun things with this blog that I really want to do.    This is not a fun subject, this is not something that I had planned on writing about and this is definitely nothing that I wanted ANYONE to know about me.  And obviously I didn't for see myself writing anything like this so I don't even have a "Just Life" tab at the top of my blog, lol.  But do you know what?  This is me.   If only one person can relate to me and how I feel then that is one person in this world that I can feel good about helping. 

And here's the thing, I wish that I had a clear reason, a clear understanding of how... or maybe I should say why I feel so sad and alone but I can't quite put a finger on it.  Sure, there is the social media effect where you see everyones posts each day and wonder how you are in the life that you created vs everyone else lives that are so exciting.  Yes I know, you can't compare your behind the scenes with everyone else's HIGHLIGHT REEL!  I totally get that and while I can admit that comparison can be part of the problem, it is not the cause of it entirely.  And hey, I'm sure someone out there could look at my life and think that it's pretty darn awesome.  And I'm not here to say that it isn't, I'm just going to shed a little perspective with you that maybe you didn't know about me.

You see, maybe I shouldn't even title this blog post "Summer Blues" maybe it should be called "Figure it Out Already!!!" or "What Now???" or how about "Get Your Act Together!!!" because this feeling, this anger, this "what is the purpose of my life" feeling has been around for a long time, NOT just the Summer Blues!!!  I just have moments in-between that make me a little happy that make me forget for a short moment that AGH, I'm so sad and angry and mad and hurt and... just not happy.

I swear to you this is not a boo hoo, pity party, poor CJ, give me a break (well ok, you could be thinking that) break down moment.  This has been going on for way too long and as I write this I am thinking about all of my fake smiles that I have probably given to a lot of my friends, not in a vicious mean girl way but in a "if you only knew how I really feel about myself on the inside" kind of way.

Here's the thing, for EIGHT years I have been in this downward spiral.  EIGHT YEARS!  Maybe it was the 2008 real estate crash, maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe it's because I'm depressed, maybe it's because... let's just blame it on the 2008 crash, that sounds good to me.  Just to give you an idea of how this horrible time affected me and my family... (nope, not ready to talk about that yet) well lets just say, we lost pretty much everything except each other.  And yes, absolutely I am so tremendously grateful that my marriage to my husband never wavered, never.  You would think that I should be in a grateful bliss right now and nothing matters as long as we have each other, right?  Well that's what I've been told... that I should feel grateful for what we have and yet all I feel like doing is SCREAMING!!!  Not because I'm ungrateful, not because I don't love my family and not because I'm not thankful for every opportunity and blessing that has come into my life... I'm just MAD and I feel like I'm in a vertical hole trying to climb out and every once in a while I get a glimpse of the outside but then something gives in and I fall back down again.

Honestly though, take away losing the 2 homes, the car, the money and all of the materialistic BS,  I really feel like this sense of loneliness is much deeper than the "stuff"!  It has to be because I really am not a materialistic person or one to ever go out and spend frivorsely so it has to be much deeper than that!  And if you're thinking "c'mon lady just go to a therapist and take some meds and call it a day." Yep, been there and done that! I've literally tried everything I could think of.  And each trial is like a bandaid on your hand that as soon as it gets wet it's no longer any use anymore so I just put another one on and so on.  Except this wound inside me never heals completely. And because I have no clue what the heck is wrong with me, I just move on to the next remedy that someone told me about that has "totally helped them and every woman in their entire family".  Then I try it and it's always "I can't believe it didn't work for you".  Or I stop taking it because I don't want to feel like I'm drugged up or that I have to take something before I see my family because my fuse is so short.  Oh and let's talk about that fuse, oh my GAWD!!!  I mean I'm even short with myself and there is never room for errors EVER!!!  Does anyone out there ever feel anything like this?  I feel like a monster, I feel like I'm alone, I feel like I am living as a caged animal trying to walk this life with a smile on my face all while this sense of anger, depression, anxiousness and irritability consumes everything inside of me.

Here's the thing, I'm at a point where ENOUGH IS ENOUGH for good this time!  I am on a mission.  A mission to find something that will fix me, help me, never let me feel like this ever again.  Something that will bring my happiness back.  And of course there will be a bad day here and there, I'm not asking for a miracle but what I am asking for is to feel normal and engaged again.  And since I'm on a mission, I'm going to get my compassion and love for life back too!  NO MORE SHORT FUSES!!!  Feeling as hollow as I have for so long, as I write this it makes me realize all the things that I use to love.  And when I look in the mirror I don't even see an ounce of the old CJ left.  How fun am I to live with?  Not fun at all and I will get the old me back!  

And so as many bandaids that I have put on before maybe, just maybe I have been trying to bandaid the wrong wounds.  I will not give up until I find something that will work for me. So here goes another trial at something new because what do I really have to lose?  I'm going to to a specialist to try Bio-Identical Hormone Pellet therapy, get my blood work done and hopefully find out what is off balance.  Have you ever heard of it?  Have you or anyone you know tried it?  A friend brought it to my attention (yes I will take any advice I can again and again if I have to) and said that she did this and she has been feeling so much better about many aspects in her life.  

The first thing I did was do some research, I found out that this therapy is not in a synthetic form, nor is it an animal derivative and does not have any artificial stimulants, YAY!  Unlike other treatments that require creams, patches and pills that require self administration and carful timing, Bio-Identical Hormone Pellet therapy is safe to use and are hand compounded by pharmacists then inserted just underneath the skin.  Each pellet is made from soy and other plant ingredients and have little to no side effects.  This therapy has been thoroughly researched and has been published in some of the worlds most respected journals.  With all of this information, I called the office of Dr Karen Sun MD at the Integrative Wellness Center and made my appointment!  I will report back my findings on how it has either helped me or not.  I'm optimistic yet skeptical at the same time and pray that this is going to help me get out of the hole that I've been in and stop falling back into it, I want to stay out for good.  Maybe then I will be strong enough to help others get out of their holes too... oh yeah and continue to write more fun blogs.  ;)